Jack For Speaker Of The House

Post 999


Dear Representatives Hakeem Jeffries and Patrick McHenry:

I watched with interest as the post of Speaker of the House became vacant through a vote forced by the radical right of the Republican Party. Of course, we all knew this was coming from the moment of the fateful 15th vote, when McCarthy surrendered his manhood to Matt Gaetz and his band of flamers.

Most Republicans in the House are bemoaning the present situation, as there doesn’t seem to be any Republican who could pass muster and garner the necessary 218 votes to become the new speaker.

Jim Jordan? The master of stupid and mean attacks? The performative narcissist? Never lets reality intrude on his scheming? Hasn’t any positive achievements in over 16 years in the House? That guy?

Or Steve Scalise? “David Duke without the baggage” is how he describes himself. Wanna parse out that descriptor? No? I didn’t think so.

Two points:

  1. In 2016 Republicans told us that once elected, Trump would be presidential. Later they said, “Let Trump be Trump.” How’d that work out for us? Do you think that making either of these guys speaker would make them statesman-like leaders, that they could rise to the challenge? Me neither.
  2. Maya Angelou taught us, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” These guys have shown us exactly who they are and the sight isn’t pretty.

These are not serious contenders for a most serious job. They are nothing but thugs with Congressional pins.

As bad, nobody qualified for the job has any interest in assuming that now thankless post. That’s a huge problem, especially as the budget deadline looms larger every second and no business can be conducted in the House until there is a new speaker. That could leave us with terrible consequences.

There is talk among some Republicans about recruiting the former President to be the new speaker. However, I understand that he’s a bit busy just now intimidating witnesses, tainting jury pools and making personal attacks on judges, prosecutors and cute puppies. He likely cannot devote full attention to the job. More to the point, it is unlikely that he would be able to discharge the full duties and responsibilities of Speaker of the House from his prison cell. I suggest that his name be dropped from consideration.

Because there is no consensus Republican candidate and there is no way the self-neutered, cowardly majority Republicans would allow the House to be led by a speaker from the minority Democratic Party, I hereby place my name in nomination to be the next Speaker of the House of Representatives.

Offered to the 435, my qualifications are:

I am not a member of any political party and I don’t give a damn about them.

In the context of this job, I don’t care who likes me or who doesn’t like me.

I am dedicated solely to serving our nation – getting stuff done for the people. I will not be re-elected, so I have no need to suck up to anyone.

I keep my promises and my word. If you want someone who doesn’t, you already know who the strong candidates are.

I’m not a convicted felon nor am I under indictment. I hope that doesn’t disqualify me.

I’ve never run for office and I don’t owe anything to any donors.

I will not campaign, form a super PAC, beg for dollars or horse trade for anyone’s vote.

I am open to ideas and constructive arguments if they are focused on doing what is best for our country. If they are just self-serving crap, go away.

I don’t care about you keeping your job. I care about you doing your job.

If you are wise enough to elect me to this post:

I will immediately change committee assignments, removing committee chairs and members who are trouble makers instead of servants.

I will immediately terminate the idiotic, baseless impeachment “inquiry.”

If you are all about chaos and tearing down our government, our institutions and our nation, I will find a way to stand on your neck, metaphorically speaking, of course.

I will ensure that the Ethics Committee actually does its job. That will be refreshing – and surprising.

If a bill to help our people and our nation passes, one which you had previously blocked with great pride and bravado, I’ll understand your upset. And I won’t care a bit. You are 1 330-millionth of the American people and I care about you not more than that.

Immediately upon being handed the gavel I will open a vote to extend funding to Ukraine. They are fighting for freedom for themselves and, by proxy, for us and all of Western civilization. Anyone who votes against funding them will be called out as a Putin sucking, fascist craving, anti-democracy, anti-American stupid weenie. Because they are.

If you have acute Look-At-Me Egomaniac disease (“LAME”), you will be considered a pestilence, unfit to be among others. You will be confined to the cloak room until your smarter constituents vote you out of office.

All special privileges, especially those McCarthy mindlessly gave to flamers in order to become speaker, will be terminated immediately. That includes committee chairmanships.

I will serve only until the next congress is seated. Neither the speaker post nor any member’s position was intended to be a lifetime gig.

My requirements are:

Lose that stupid one vote speaker hook thing. Revert to the rule that was in place before McCarthy went suicidal.

If doing what is best for our country isn’t your sole reason for being in your job, we already know that about you. Resign immediately. You’re easily replaceable.

You will pay me for my services the same salary and supply the same perks provided to all members of the House, including franking privileges. I’ll need those because when you misbehave I will write a letter to your mom telling on you. You will answer to her. And to your dad.

Representatives Jeffries and McHenry, please forward my nomination to the full House, including the particulars detailed in this communication. Make sure everyone knows that my terms of service are non-negotiable.

The nation awaits the reply of the 435, but should never have had to. Shame on the ones who did this. Too bad they’re so far gone that they don’t recognize their own shame. But we do.

We need to get this right to prevent our manufactured dysfunction from sliding into:

Götterdämmerung: a collapse (as of a society or regime) marked by catastrophic violence and disorder; broadly: downfall. Merriam-Webster

Quite seriously,


Jack Altschuler, registered voter, of service to We The People.

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3 Responses to Jack For Speaker Of The House
  1. Jim Altschuler Reply


  2. Jim Altschuler Reply

    Can I even begin to explain how much I would Love to see thus happen?!

    I am not (unfortunately) deluded enough to believe it could but BOY would I love to see it! A Real American person leading such a wayward body, guiding it into sanity, doing what’s right for the country as a whole and for the American people in particular, solving problems BEFORE they become catastrophic. Wow, what a concept!

    Best of luck, my brother (I honestly don’t know whether that means tgat I hope you get the position or that you don’t get it).

  3. Kirk Landers Reply

    I think you can get George Santos’ vote by giving him the title “Vice President.” You’ll need other forms of fraud to get the rest of the GOP caucus, and bribes would help.Most of all, drop the references to honesty, integrity, fair play, and rational thinking. Alternate facts take care of these things….