Botox

Exposé


BREAKING NEWS!

In a shocking exposé released moments ago, Red State TV, Red State Talk Radio and Red State Cable News simultaneously released the results of a three month investigation. They reported,

“We found that the vast majority of Red State Americans who have heroically refused to be vaccinated against the COVID-19 virus, as well as having ferociously refused masks and mask mandates, have instead been quietly receiving other preventives called “alternative treatments.” This was revealed in an exclusive interview with Kellyanne Conway, the former President’s spokesperson, who introduced the world to “alternative facts.”

Most Red State citizens interviewed for this investigation admitted to some discomfort over their preventive actions. They claimed to have the feeling they may have gone too far beyond the officially sanctioned loud proclamations of their freedom to refuse vaccines and their fierce demonization of maskers.

The most common of the alternative treatments by far (87.1%) is that Red Staters have been receiving brain injections of Botox.

“The medical explanation provided by practitioners is that Botox glaciates the brain, much like subcutaneous injections of Botox in the face. When used cosmetically, Botox prohibits voluntary facial movement, leaving patients looking very much like mannequins. In the case of brain injections of Botox, the brain becomes frozen in a similar manner with similar consequences.

“In a city council meeting in Enid, OK, Dr. I.M. Bubba, Chief Frozier of the Red State Pandemic Treatment Center explained, ‘A medical trial of Botox brain injections was conducted over a 10-month period, following 20,562 unvaccinated people, ages 5 – 79. The trial established that this methodology is effective in alleviating patients’ concerns over both vaccinations and COVID-19. Indeed, the majority of patients contracted COVID-19, but remained placidly unaware of their symptoms and did not need anesthesia when being intubated. That is highly unusual, as most people react strongly to a tube being pushed down their throat. Many died a day or two later.'”

The CDC has peer reviewed the documentation provided to it by the Red State Pandemic Treatment Center and has issued this statement:

“Upon review of the documentation of the Brain-Botox treatment process we have concluded that if a person refuses proven vaccines against COVID-19 and elects instead to take alternative treatment by brain injection of Botox, at least the corpses will look younger.

“The CDC continues to promote the standard panel of vaccinations, including boosters, as the best preventive treatment against COVID-19. In addition, we strongly recommend wearing an N95 or KN95 mask whenever in public and near others who might have come from a Red State. Our national experience over 18 months of pandemic has made clear that Red Staters do not care if they infect fellow citizens, regardless of whether they have taken Botox injections. Therefore, always wear a mask.”

Concurrently with it’s peer review of this treatment, the CDC issued this alert:

CDC Safety Alert: Even if they are in an obviously infected condition and under the influence of Botox, Red Staters probably still know how to get to school board meetings to rage against vaccines and masks. Stand clear of them at such gatherings and protect young children and sensitive others from exposure.”

Watch this space for further BREAKING NEWS! on this treatment protocol and others, including cold turkey refusal and obstinate denial. All of these alternative treatments are likely to accelerate our changing national demographics through significant population attrition and will eventually have a large impact on our politics moving forward.

This Just In, Too

Each Thanksgiving New York Times opinion writer Maureen Dowd turns her column over to her brother, Kevin. I’m not sure what label he uses for himself, as the meaning of words like “conservative” and “Republican” have morphed into something quite different from what they were just a few short years ago. Whatever it’s called now, that’s the side of the political center Kevin falls on.

This year his Thanksgiving offering was delayed due to his contracting a nasty and lingering case of COVID (yes, he was vaccinated). His essay is now available here.

Last year I posted a reply to Kevin’s Thanksgiving offering – Oh, Kevin. As then, this year’s Kevin essay also includes claims that are upside down and accusations that are over-broad and unsubstantiated, but he also has some comments worthy of consideration. I say that even in the presence of the satiric brain-Botox comments above about anti-vaxxers. That was just for fun. Finding common ground is mandatory.

I encourage you to read his piece. Recognize that he’s clear-eyed about many things and he’s no Trump sycophant, nor is he delusional about authoritarianism.

We all know that 68% of Republicans believe the Big Lie that the last election was stolen from Trump via voting fraud. We’ve seen the grim statistic that there are 20 million who believe violence is justified in pursuit of their angry pseudo-patriotism. But there are millions more who aren’t in alignment with the haters and violence promoters. These people don’t have a big, cruel megaphone, so we rarely hear their voices. They are Americans who believe in an oath to the Constitution. Perhaps it’s time – long past time – that we make an overt peace with them and work together to protect and defend the democracy we both believe in.

The midterm election is just 310 days away. Let’s make this a happy new year.

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Copyright 2022 by Jack Altschuler
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