JaxPolitix

POST 1278

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Warning required by an 8th grade English lesson:

CAUTION: Snark, metaphor and satire badly mangled.

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The Bad News

The workouts, the kale, the yoga om, the nix on red meat, the stairs instead of the elevator, your fixed genetics and the rest have taken you as far as they can. All that’s left for extending your lifespan is looking both ways before you cross the street, wearing your seat belt and dealing with the unhinged asshole sitting next to you in seat 13B. Let’s call him Mr. Rectum.

He’s unhinged about having a middle seat – so unfair! – and frantic about making his connection so that he can get to his Grift Jubilee. But your flight is an hour and a half late because there was weather somewhere and he’s going to miss his connection. Woe is him!

He’s flailing and wants to retribution someone. He cannot sit still or shut up because of the insanity that ceaselessly rages inside him and because of his innate hostility to everyone. Mr. Rectum is what is known in mental health circles as both troubled and toxic. In the real world where you and I live we just call him an asshole.

You will live longer if, metaphorically speaking, you move to a different seat, but it’s a full flight and nobody – I mean nobody – is going to switch seats with you and sit next to Mr. Rectum. In still more mixed metaphorical words, these derived from the movie Jaws, you’re going to need a bigger boat.

Which brings us to our current reality, the one where up is this way (↑) regardless of Mr. Rectum’s nearly constant misdirection. It’s a place where you sometimes get a citation for speeding and we want assholes in 13B  to get what’s coming to them, too. You know: accountability.

But we’ve let Mr. Rectum get his way without consequences for a long time. Much too long. Indeed, for all of his life. Oh, we have our reasons, including our rationalizations (delusions, really) that the alternative was worse; that he would keep his word and fulfill his promises; that he was super special and deserved to endanger us by driving too fast and never getting a citation. We believed at the same time that he was a regular guy who was just like we little people and we would somehow, some day become big rectums, too. But that hasn’t happened and it never will.

We let him put an insufficiently educated racoon penis slicer, a man with a heroin damaged brain, in charge of vaccinations. Millions of us puffed our chests. We were standing up to The Man and refusing to vaccinate ourselves and our kids against measles, polio and more. Then thousands became sick, many died and some are heading to a lifetime of debilitation, none of which would have happened if they had listened to the medical experts instead of Mr. Pee-pee Chopper. These people are suffering because we put hatred-fueled Mr. Rectum in charge.

That innate Rectum hostility has now killed thousands in a Middle East war that had no business happening because there never was a national security threat to us from there. The global economy is sinking further into a long term funk. Mr. Rectum tells us that inflation and gas prices have come way down, but see the pic to the left for actual current prices. There is nothing, no verbal invention, no untethered-to-reality idiocy that the unhinged guy in 13B won’t say to benefit himself, as he rages at the weather, his middle seat, flight safety regulations and he threatens to sue everyone who still has a pulse and even some who are already dead.

Make no mistake about this: neither seat 13B nor the weather is the problem. We are the problem. Pogo is still correct.

We seated Mr. Rectum in 13B, believing our delusions and then going about our lives, heads down, oblivious to our foolishness, our gullibility and consequences. And we got what we selected.

His behavior is way past what the flight attendants (our representatives) can or are willing to handle, so it’s time for the captain (that’s us) to come out of the flight deck and inform Mr. Rectum that he’s being removed from the flight. We can land at a remote airport and kick him out, leaving him where he can’t harm us anymore, or we can slow the airplane to landing speed, open an exit door and shove him out at 37,000 feet.

Either choice will work for us just fine because Mr. Rectum will be gone. No more lies. No more toddler tantrums. No more of his killing people on the high seas, in mountains and deserts and in Minneapolis. And no more impoverishing of billions of people around the globe. We’ll find the way forward just fine without his insanity.

Regardless, you aren’t going to live longer, unless .  .  .

The Good News

.  .  .  unless you’ve smartened up and now, for example, get your vaccinations and get your kids vaccinated, too. In that case you will live longer. Markedly longer. And you won’t infect your neighbor, your Pilates bro, the barista who serves you that frothy froo-froo drink or anyone else. All of us will thank you for not infecting and killing us and our kids. Plus, prices for your froo-froo drink, gas, housing and much more will, in the absence of Mr. Rectum’s ignorant manipulations, eventually come down.

But you have to help with the in-flight eviction of Mr. Rectum in order for things to get better.

Stand up. Help to drag Mr. Rectum out, even as he’s kicking, screaming, biting, claiming he’s a poor victim of terrible people, saying he will make things better like nobody has ever seen before, blaming his constant failures on Biden, claiming he’s Jesus, failing at quoting “two Corinthians” and homicidally ordering the National Guard to shoot peaceful passengers in the legs. You’re a target of that, too, but once he’s off our airplane you can ditch your bullet proof pants.

And once we’ve jettisoned our gullible nature, you really will live longer.

Quote Of The Week

From Dr. Amy Acton, Democratic candidate for Governor of Ohio, speaking to The Zoom Where It Happens, April 17, 2026:

.  .  .  everyone is exhausted and voters want public servants again who will help them solve problems.

What a concept: public servants actually being of service to We The People! Quite the contrast to servants of Mr. Rectum or his sycophants. So refreshing.

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The time for action is NOW!

Keep standing up,

speaking out

and taking action, like:

• – Register voters
• – Give to the ACLU
• – Train to fight ICE

• Count-down Timer

• To The November 3, 2026

  Mid-Term Election

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JA

Copyright 2026 by Jack Altschuler
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